(theme music playing )
Announcer: from New York City,
It's "The Chris Rock Show."
Tonight, comedian Chris Spencer.
Musical guest, Bobby Brown.
Plus musical director,
Grandmaster Flash.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Rock!
Thank you!
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!
Thank you, thank you!
Oh, thank you!
- Oh, sit down! - ( crowd laughs )
All of you sitting, well sit lower!
Thank you, everybody, for coming to the show.
It's been a crazy, crazy week-- crazy, insane week.
What happened this week? Mike Tyson! Mike Tyson!
You know, "lron Mike"
"Bitey Mcgee."
Mike Tyson was injured
in a motorcycle accident this week.
That's right. You know what the bad news for Mike?
Not only did he break a couple of ribs,
but now the motorcycle is suing him
for $10 million.
They gonna take all Mike's money.
In more sports news,
the Dallas Cowboys, they lost again last week.
The Cowboys are four and four, man.
And they are-- the Cowboys are in danger
of missing the playoffs, man. Now coach Barry Switzer said,
"Yo, we gotta get back to doing the things
that made us a championship team!"
That's right, fucking strippers and smoking crack!
The Cowboys, you know! ( laughs )
You know, it's the Cowboys!
Now in New York, in New York,
desperate challenger Ruth Messinger,
The one-- she's all going against Giuliani, trying to be the Mayor,
Said Mayor Giuliani does not deserve credit
for New York's drop in crime. She said,
"Hey, have we forgotten about Spiderman?"
That's what she said. I didn't make it up.
You know what else happened this week?
Method Man...
Method Man of the Wu Tang Clan
was arrested and charged-- you know,
he's gonna go to jail or something, he was arrested
for beating up a security guard.
That's right, Method-- he came to bring the pain, Method did.
Now Method Man-- now you know what's wild?
He's gonna have a hard time in court, man
'cause the only character witness he got
is the Ol' Dirty Bastard!
That's...
fucked up!
"Your honor, he's a good man."
More show business news--
Tupac Shakur's mother,
Mama Pac has--
has started her own record company,
which is great. It's great!
The only problem is now Biggie's mama's
trying to kill her!
( audience booing )
Hey, that shit was funny.
Fuck all y'all.
If you like that one, here's a new one.
Anybody hear about the guy? What's the guy,
The Milli Vanilli guy who's giving everybody AlDS? The guy--
- ( crowd booing ) - What's the guy?
Yeah, Nushawn. He ain't like the old Shawn.
He's the new shawn, giving all these girls AlDS, man.
It's fucked up, man. You know what's wild?
The judge has given him an unusual punishment.
The judge said, "You know what,
why don't you go fuck yourself?"
Get it?
( audience cheering )
And finally, finally, the Million Woman March.
Million Woman March was last week
In Philadelphia, in Philadelphia, yeah.
I talked to lce Cube. He called it "Bitches by the Bell."
( booing )
I didn't say it. Ice Cube said it.
And Too Short said it too.
It was that last Saturday after a year of planning.
Now, you know why it took so long to get it going?
'Cause organizers had to make sure
that no two women had on the same outfit.
At the Million Woman March there were moving speeches
from people like Maxine Waters, Winnie Mandela,
and here are some inspirational words
from the lovely Jada Pinkett.
I am here today
because this is an act of power,
women, okay?
- Crowd: Yeah! - Everybody say ho!
Crowd: Ho!
- Say ho! - Crowd: Ho!
- Now scream! - ( crowd screams )
( all singing )
Okay, yo, we got a great show tonight.
We got Chris Spencer in the house.
We got Bobby Brown in the house.
And I want you to give it up for Grandmaster Flash.
( scratching )
That's right, now an election is coming very soon
so I want you all to watch this paid political announcement.
Narrator: on Tuesday, November 4th.
You have an important decision to make.
Vote no on Proposition 238.
The fat cats in Washington are telling you that 238
will lower your property taxes by 5%,
but read the fine print.
238 will also cut medicare allowances
and replace the American flag with a piece of bubble rap.
The free-spending democrats want you to think
238 will help underprivileged children,
but read the fine print.
It says, "Underprivileged children can kiss my ass."
Sure, with 238 your property taxes will go down,
but pancakes will cost a million dollars...
each.
Big-business republicans don't want you to know
that 238 is the number
between 237 and 239,
but it is.
Sure, Prop 238 will save you some tax dollars,
but read the fine print.
It says, "Anyone caught reading fine print
will have their eyes removed."
And if that's not bad enough,
238 will change the national anthem to "Baby Got Back."
( hip hop music plays )
What kind of country takes off their hat
to sing "Baby Got Back"?
And salutes a piece of bubble rap? Not America.
If 238 passes,
America will be officially referred to as "Poopyland."
Sure your property taxes will go down,
but do you really want to own property
in Poopyland?
I'm Al Sharpton. Vote no on Proposition 238,
or we'll all be living in Poopyland.
My first guest tonight
is the former host of "Vibe TV Show."
Please welcome Chris Spencer. Come on.
How you doing, baby?
- All right, man. - Thank you.
- All right. - What the deal, baby?
- Chris Spencer, man. - Yes, sir.
All right. You was minding your own business
and Quincy calls you up and says, "Do this show."
- Right. - You just minding your own business.
- Doing nothing. - Just chillin', riding along...
Iittle bit of gardening, a couple pornos and that was it.
- And they tell you to do this show... - Right.
...out of the blue sky and then they give Keenan a show
at the same damn time. Now let me ask you this.
How did they tell you you had the show? That's first of all.
Actually I was at home minding my own business.
Chris: Right.
And Quincy actually called me from his car phone
or helicopter phone or something.
And just called me and told me, actually
I had been chosen out of 2- or 300 people
to do the job and be the host of "Vibe."
Now Quincy's cool.
Quincy produces Michael Jackson.
Yeah.
He's the biggest music producer ever,
but the "Vibe" thing is some comedy shit.
- Right. - Now what kind of comic advice
did you get from Quincy Jones?
He didn't actually give me any comedy advice.
He just kinda you know...
When a joke didn't work, he said, "Give it more hi hat."
He didn't give me any comedy advice.
He just gave me positive advice about the show
and the history of late-night talk shows
and nothing ever about comedy.
Now how'd you know it was going bad?
How'd l-- I knew like around--
( audience laughing )
when y'all stop watching.
Was you coming down the elevator,
"Hey, this ain't funky now."
The elevator got stuck.
They started telling me that the show was too black.
And I was like, "What you mean? I'm not passing out fried chicken
and I ain't interviewing crips. What you mean too black?"
And so people started acting weird around me.
- How'd they-- - like, "Hey, Chris, how ya doing?"
They're like,
"That nigger ain't gonna be here too long, is he?"
Yeah, that's right. It just became awkward.
You know how when you go on TV, you get free stuff.
- Right. - The people were calling me back
asking for the shit back almost.
"Hey, Chris. How ya doing? This is Heather.
Have you worn those Reeboks?
No? I was gonna take them. I was gonna give you the new Manute Bols."
Everything just became kind of awkward.
- Oh, that's fucked. - Yeah, they dissed me.
- That's fucked up. - It was a great opportunity.
People know my name. They go, "Hey, that's the nigger that got fired.
What's happening?"
Hey!
So it was cool, it was cool.
- You're taking it cool. - Audience: Aw-www.
- I'm good. - That's cold.
He got a nice house.
I-- look, I stole this from wardrobe of the show.
I'm all right.
I'm gonna be all right.
How did they tell you that they were replacing you?
This was the part that was kind of weird.
I was at home sleeping and my grandmother called me
and told me she heard on the news
that they were looking for a new host.
- Your grandmother? - My grandmother called me.
Then I got a page from the producers of the show,
inviting me to breakfast.
- Audience: Aw-ww. - I was like, "Ah..."
- That's some "Godfather" shit. - Yeah.
Seriously. And I was like,
"Um, breakfast? I'm not hungry."
Yeah, it was awkward. It was--
but I'm here, right?
I got to get on "the Chris Rock show," right?
You know what's dope?
Is that I love-- I was afraid of
what was the love going to be like on the east coast?
I went to a club last night in New Jersey-- the Peppermint Lounge.
- Right. - The comedy club. You ever been there?
The club, it was rough last night.
Brothers was fightin'. I walked in, dudes was fightin'
beatin' each other's ass and the dudes stopped,
Shook my hand and said, "Hey, loved your show,"
and started fighting again.
So I appreciate all the love you guys have been--
Now how does it feel to be replaced by Sinbad?
- It's-- - Did you feel like,
"Hey man, I could wear some crazy pants too!"
Ho ho!
You know what's awkward?
- Ha ha! - Hey, I love Sinbad!
Sinbad's my man.
No. You know what's awkward? It's like, you know,
"Vibe" was my girl, you know?
So I gotta turn on the TV every night
and watch somebody fuck my girl. That's what's awkward.
You know, so it's like I got people going--
people coming to me going,
"Hey man, didn't you used to hit that?"
And he's doing a good job,
so that means he's fucking her better than me.
So it's just kind of weird,
but I'm glad to see the brother succeeding.
Yo, man, I'm just glad you came
and you've got like a positive attitude.
People are like, "What's going to happen to him?"
People think I'm gonna commit suicide. "Hey man, I'm sorry about the show"--
offer me stuff I already got.
"Yo man, if you ever need a haircut."
A haircut?
Hey, you know what?
I feel bad because I'm starting to milk the sympathy.
I'm going to the clubs talking to the girls,
"You heard what happened to me, right?"
I just want maybe a hug, you come through, you know?
What time do you want to come over? 4:00?
No, come over at 3:00. I'm getting a haircut at 4:00.
Yo, man, thanks for coming on the show.
One love, thank you very much.
You could always get a haircut here!
Thank you, baby. All right.
Chris Spencer, ladies and gentlemen.
Now, today-- you know what today is. Halloween.
- Audience: Yeah. - Halloween--
trick or kill ya.
Today's Halloween,
the one day when we wanna be scared.
You know what people think about on Halloween?
Ghosts, goblins and the creepiest thing of all...
death.
So in the spirit of Halloween,
I hit the streets and talked to some folks
who know more about death than anyone else
'cause that's their job. Yo, check this out.
Woman: Whatever it is that comforts their hearts, that's what we'll do.
Has anybody ever gotten a weave sewn into their head?
- Like a dead lady had to have a weave? - Yes yes.
Do you ever have any sales?
Never have any sales.
- Never a sale? - Nope.
- Never like a buy-one-get-one-free? - No.
- A dead lady with a weave. - Mm-hmm.
No one even says, "is it her hair?" on that day.
- They just let it slide. - No. Yeah.
'Cause she's dead. Nobody's going to go, "That ain't her hair."
What's the craziest thing you've ever seen at a funeral?
I've seen two sisters
fighting over an insurance policy...
Okay.
...where they pulled off each other's fur coats
and hats...
- Ooh, child, this is the ticket! - I need to talk to you about that
'cause you know that's supposed to be my insurance policy.
This money is mine, so reach for it, shorty.
When these fights go on, what do you do?
Pray. Hard.
You gonna whip my what?
Give me my purse! Help, she got my purse!
That should make you wanna shout right now.
- It makes you wanna, "Whoo!" - ( chuckles )
Can you do the funkiest version of "Amazing Grace"?
Uh, yeah. Let's see...
( singing inspirational music )
( audience clapping in time )
( singing inspirational song )
( audience sings along )
( playing baseball music )
Would you print something like, uh... "That's all, folks!"
That we might be able to get away with.
Now, if you're child were to go to school and save another kid's life...
- Mm-hmm? - Would you give him a beatin'?
'Cause that is money out your pocket.
Do you ever pick up fares just to make extra money?
- No. - Like a cab service,
- take somebody to the airport? - No.
So if the casket falls out,
- do you lose points on your license? - No.
Do you need a special license to drive a hearse?
- No. - ( funk music playing )
Hey, what's up, baby?!
Did anybody have a DJ at the funeral?
Once.
( melancholic music playing )
Is there a lot of taxidermy work in Harlem?
Pedro: Actually, I'm the first.
Do you ever threaten your kids? Shout, you know,
"Do your homework or I'll stuff you"?
Uh no, but I say that to my dog all the time.
Are you ever scared they're gonna come to life one night and kill you?
No.
- Unless I'm drunk. - Oh, when you're drunk?
When I'm drunk, I stare at them. They keep staring back.
( eerie music plays )
Do they ever speak when you're drunk?
No no, they just stare.
( overlapping maniacal laughing )
- Do you plan on being stuffed? - Uh, I would like it.
( laughter resumes )
Morris: Whatever it is that comforts their hearts,
- that's what we'll do. - ( inspirational music resumes )
Hey, it's Halloween!
For all the kids who stayed home tonight
and wanna catch up on this week's events,
here's "the Chris Rock Show"'s "News for Kids."
- Just for the kids. - ( whimsical music playing )
Hi, kids! I'm Wanda Witch!
And I'm Scoopo the Clown and this is
"News for Kids"!
Today three people were shot and killed in Brooklyn
in a gangland murder.
The victims had their faces blown clean off!
( cackling )
Police are searching for a suspect
they describe as "Somebody with a gun
who shot and killed three people." Wanda?
- "Clean off"! - Clean off.
Today, killer nanny Louise Woodward
was sentenced to life in prison
after being convicted in the shaking death
of a little baby boy.
Woodward admits she shook the baby
to try to calm him because he wouldn't stop crying
after she had violently slammed the boy on the floor!
Whoa ho ho!
Wowzie wee!
- That must have been rough. - He wouldn't stop crying.
In other news,
57 million condoms
were recalled this week after the company learned
the shipment was defective.
Showing compassion, the company spokesman said,
"lf you get pregnant as a result of our mistake,
the abortion's on us." Wanda?
- Now, that's fair. - That's very fair.
- Whoa ho ho ho.
Now with financial news, here's Bunny Rosenbloom!
Wall Street suffered a record 554-point drop this past Monday
followed by a record rebound of 337 points.
Today, the S&P suffered moderate losses--
All right, thanks a lot, Bunny! Thanks a lot!
Right now with sports is T-T-T-T-Tom Twinkletoes!
- Thanks, Clown. - All right.
Well, kids, it looks like old Charles Barkley is at it again.
That's right, he's no role model.
You know what happened? He was at a restaurant,
just eating, when this guy came up and started calling him names.
And then the bad man
poured ice all over Sir Charles.
Sir Charles didn't like that, so he started pushing the guy in the face.
"Get outta here! Fuck you! I hate you, you cracker bastard!
Take that, you piece of shit!" And then he got really mad,
and then he picked him up and he threw him through the glass
just like that. He said, "l hope you die, motherfucker!
Die!"
And that's the sports.
Wowzie wee! That was some ass-kicking!
Yeah, when the guy's littler than you, yeah!
Oh boy, well, that's "News for Kids."
One more tip: remember, kids,
don't take any candies from strangers unless it's your favorite.
I'm Scoopo the Clown.
- Good night, everybody! - Good night!
His new album "Forever" hits the stores next week.
Here to perform the song "Feelin' lnside,"
Give it up for Bobby Brown!
( hip-hop music playing )
What I want y'all to do
is get on up!
Get up!
Come on!
You are now listening to the sounds of the...
your Brown papa, baby! Get up!
Mad dog! Mad dog!
( singing )
November 4th, go pick up the album, y'all.
One love.
Bless you always.
Chris: Yo, that's our show for tonight!
I'd like to thank our guests, Chris Spencer,
and B. Brown, Bobby Brown!
I will see you next week. Yo, Flash, take us out!
( theme music playing )
( crowd chanting ) Go, Bobby! Go, Bobby!
( chanting scatters )